By Russ Kamis
During my retreat work, with hundreds of CEO's around the country, a few dominant issues appear. One theme is that a large part of the personal angst suffered by today's business leaders is the result of unresolved issues in their lives. Of course, most of us are familiar with the external issues executives face. However, the issues I'm referring to are the internal conflicts – conflicts of perspective – the result of un-reconciled, and possibly un-reconcilable, ideas and beliefs they hold in their minds...
As Marshall Goldsmith's book "What Got You Here, Won't Get You There" proposes, the most important skills top level executives can develop to ensure future success are improved soft skills, not technical skills. The most important soft skill is self awareness – the kind that comes from continuous self study and personal development. Only when leaders really understand, accept and appreciate themselves, can they understand, empathize and accept others. The hallmark of an effective leader is self wisdom.
Each of us has many beliefs. It is not surprising, therefore, that some of these beliefs, when considered with all their implications, conflict with others. One of my favorite ways to make this point during seminars is to ask participants in the crowd to raise their hands if they believe they are going to heaven. Most do. Then I ask them to raise their hand if they are afraid of dying. Most do. How can this be? Clearly, these beliefs are in conflict.
Conflict in psychological terms is a "mental struggle resulting from the, often unconscious, opposition between simultaneous but incompatible desires, needs, drives, or impulses." Freud believed that, analogous to an iceberg, 95% of ourselves is hidden. There are two key steps we can take to grow as effective leaders.
First, we need to identify these subconscious conflicts in our lives. Self study, meditation, prayer, and falling still are excellent practices to aid in their identification. A possibly less demanding, but equally effective method, is to use anger and frustration as a red flag. To do this, simply make it habit to notice when you are upset or frustrated and explore the underlying beliefs and assumptions driving your feelings. Over time your conflicts will become more conscious and themes will emerge.
Second, we must shift our beliefs from conflict to Paradox, once we see our conflicting beliefs. Paradox is the state that occurs when two or more beliefs "seem to be absurd or contradictory, but in fact are or may be true." While we can and should continue to try to resolve such conflicts as part of our continuous personal growth – keeping some beliefs and altering others – this is not necessary to gain the benefits of moving to Paradox. The only necessary step is to accept our conflicting beliefs.
Instead of being confused, frustrated, unclear and unsure of which belief is "right", we simply allow both beliefs to be correct simultaneously. We allow them to harmoniously coexist in Paradox. We believe both, each in spite of the other, appreciate the value and truth of each. For example, as executives we can accept our belief that we must work hard to succeed and provide security for our families even as this creates an imbalance of time spent with family and friends – the very people we believe are most important. Paradox provides peace and removes angst and worry. A state of Paradox actually enhances our ability to study, address, improve and possibly even reconcile the actual conflicts – further improving our lives.
The greatest gift we can give ourselves is acceptance. Accepting ourselves for who we are, deficiencies, inconsistencies and all. This is especially true with respect to our beliefs. When we move from conflict to Paradox, we can better know and more fully embrace who we are. Only then can we can better understand and accept others – the hallmark of an effective leader.
Russ Kamis is the Founder and Principal of the Kamis Group, LLC. Russ specializes in helping Presidents, CEO's and their leadership teams create a winning atmosphere ideal for success. To learn more about Russ visit www.thekamisgroup.com or contact him at russ@thekamisgroup.com .
©2009 by Russ Kamis. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction allowed only with permission
Editor’s Note: This is the first in a series of articles written by Russ Kamis that we are offering to our readers. Future articles will deal with achieving success both professionally and personally. This is a shift from our usual newsletter content and we are interested in your feedback.
